The Habits of the Drowned

by Alfred Jarry

translated by Samuel Lees

THE HABITS OF THE DROWNED*

We have recently had the chance to become intimately acquainted with these curious dead drunks of aquatism. From what we have observed, the drowned man is not, as popular opinion would have it, a man who has died by submersion; he is a species apart, with distinctive habits, who, we believe, could adapt to his chosen environment with excellent results if left undisturbed and given enough time. It is remarkable that they thrive better underwater than when exposed to the air. Their habits are unusual and ― though they love to skip and frolic in the same element as the fishes ― diametrically opposed to the habits of their legless companions: indeed, while fish, as we know, only migrate by climbing against the flow of water, that is, in the direction that expends their energy most effectively, the victims of this morbid passion of aquatism abandon themselves to the current, as if having lost the will to live, in a state of careless indifference. The only signs of intelligence they display are movements of the head, salaams, genuflections and other courteous gestures that they perform whenever they encounter an inhabitant of the earth. These demonstrations, in our opinion, have no sociological significance. One should see in them nothing more than the unconscious hiccups of a drunk or the uncertain nods of a man on the verge of oblivion.

The presence of a drowned man, like that of an eel, is signalled by the appearance of bubbles at the surface. Like eels, they are caught with a spear. The use of traps or baited lines seldom yields results. The drowned man is a suspicious creature; he will not poke his nose into anything that smells fishy; if he is to be caught, he must be taken by surprise.

As to the bubbles, one might easily be deceived by the mindless gesticulations of an ordinary human being who is only in the provisional stages of drowning. The human being, in this case, is extremely dangerous and identical, in all points, as we have said, to a dead drunk. Prudence and philanthropy therefore demand that we expound the two phases of his rescue: 1. the urging of calm, and 2. the actual rescue. The first, and indispensable, operation can be achieved by means of a firearm; this, however, requires a knowledge of the laws of refraction. A heavy blow with an oar will suffice in most cases. Nothing remains but to capture the subject and bring him to shore ― phase 2 ― following the same procedure as for an ordinary drowned man.

They are seldom observed moving in schools, as is the custom among fish. From this one might conclude that their social science is still in its infancy, or perhaps it would be more legitimate to suppose that it is in military courage and belligerency that they fall short of the fishes. That is why latter preys upon the former.

We are able to prove that there is only one thing that the drowned have in common with the other aquatic animals, namey that, like fish, they spawn, even though, to the casual observer, their reproductive organs are shaped like those of humans. They spawn, despite the more serious objection, that no government regulations have been put in place to protect their breeding by means of a temporary prohibition on hunting activities.

In most parts, a drowned man will sell for twenty-five francs at market: this is an honest and fruitful source of income for the sympathetic riverine population. It would therefore be patriotic to encourage their breeding, since, in the absence of such measures, there would always be the temptation, for the struggling riverine citizen, to produce forgeries, equivalent as far as the reward money is concerned, by means of make-up applied by the wet process by other living citizens.

During the spawning season, which lasts almost all year, the drowned male drifts through the breeding grounds, descending, face down, as is his wont, his hands, reproductive organs and feet trailing along the river bed. Sometimes he will hover for hours among the reeds. The female rides the current, her legs and head tossed back, her belly to the air.

Such is life.

Notes

The title of this piece, in the original, is Les mœurs des noyés. This translates as The Habits of the Drowned. The word « noyé », in its literal sense, is a drowned man. However, it is also a slang term for a drunkard.