by Alfred Jarry
translated by Samuel Lees
CYNEGETICS OF THE OMNIBUS
Of the various species of pachyderm and wild cat that still haunt the streets of Paris, none holds more surprises in store for the hunter than the omnibus.
A handful of companies claim the exclusive right to the exploitation of this species. At first glance this might not seem a very profitable enterprise ― the fur of the animal is of no value and the flesh is completely inedible.
There are many varieties of omnibus, if one distinguishes them according to colour, but these are only superficial differences, due to habitat and the influence of the environment. If, for example, the « Batignolles-Clichy-Odéon » is redolent in hue of the enormous white rhinoceros native to South Africa, this is simply the result of the creature’s periodic migrations. This phenomenon is not unusual; similar cases of mimicry have been observed among the quadrupeds in the polar regions.
We propose a more scientific system of classification. There are, according to our criteria, two distinct varieties of omnibus: those that cover up their tracks and those that don’t. The second resembles a snail in everything but size. It carries a large shell on its back and creeps along with a slow mechanical tread, leaving a thin trail behind it, like the groove traced by a wheel in the sand. Opinion is divided as to whether the first variety is the oldest, or whether it has just reverted to a more primitive form of existence. Either way, it is generally agreed that the second is the more stupid of the two, as it is ignorant in the art of concealing its tracks; but ― and this would explain why they have not all been wiped out ― it is, it seems, the more ferocious, judging by its fierce cry, which causes men to flee in fear and confusion, and which can only be rivalled by the duck or the platypus.
Given how easy it is to spot its tracks, and its curious habit of going back and forth along the exact same route in the course of its periodic migrations, man has tried to eliminate this pest by means of traps laid in its path, but with remarkable intuition, the ponderous animal always stops when it reaches the point of danger, and turning back, returns from whence it came, taking great care to blur its tracks by trampling over its previous prints.
Other systems of traps have been employed ― small shacks placed at strategic positions along the route, like the hunting lodges one finds in areas of marshland. In these hovels teams of men hide and await their prey. But more often than not the omnibus is alerted to their presence and makes an escape, exhibiting its displeasure by rubbing its backside, which is bright blue, like those of certain monkeys, and glows in the dark. On its face a grimace can be seen etched in white wrinkles representing the word « full ».
Some members of the species have allowed themselves to be domesticated: they obey their masters with slavish devotion, who can make them advance or stop by pulling on their tails. This appendage differs little from the tail of the elephant. The Society for the Protection of Animals requires that the tail of omnibus is fitted with a wooden knob for its protection, just as in Tibet the flabby haunches of certain sheep are supported by a small chariot.
This act of kindness is quite ill-considered, as the feral elements of the species devour men, whom they lure and hypnotise, before swallowing them whole, in the manner of a snake. Due to the complicated evolution of their digestive system, they expel their victims whole, having extracted and assimilated small quantities of copper. The amount absorbed on the upper surface ― the dorsal epidermis ― is only half the amount assimilated in the interior, proving that digestion has taken place.
It would not be unreasonable to connect this phenomenon with the joyous metallic knocking that invariably precedes their meal.
Some members of the species have a strange symbiotic relationship with horses, who seem to be a dangerous parasite, as those that have them invariably lack the vigour and locomotive power present in healthy specimens.
Of their love lives nothing is known except that like the plants whose pollen is communicated to their partners by insects that have penetrated the interior, the omnibus reproduces by correspondence.
French law seems to consider these creatures a pest, as it does not impose any prohibition on hunting activities, but allows them to continue all year round.
Samuel Lees 